Thursday, April 7, 2011

Abandon All Hope...

Before we had our first child, I did what most first time parents do: I completely freaked out.  Once that step was completed, I took an equally common second step: I began reading books about parenting.  The sections on changing diapers always intrigued me.  First, they often described changing a diaper as a “bonding” experience.  I liken this to the way a bullet “bonds” with a deer during hunting season, or the way most Americans “bond” with the Internal Revenue Service every fifteenth of April.  While I don’t want my children to read this someday and think that I did not adore every moment of their childhood, it would be dishonest of me to say that I relish every moment of the typical diaper change.  One of the biggest problems is high velocity poop.  I’m not sure precisely which equation from high school physics covers this phenomenon, but it never ceases to amaze me that a human infant barely one month out of the womb can release poop in such a manner that it escapes the bounds of a “leak-proof” diaper and completely covers the legs and the back of the child in question.  Once the offending diaper has been removed, there is the question of disposal.  There are really two classes of people when it comes to disposing dirty diapers.   (Three if you count those who wash and reuse their child's diapers.  Don’t get me wrong, I admire them greatly, but the store down the street sells clean diapers)   The first group are those who believe in removing the dirty diaper from the premises as quickly as possible.  These individuals will step out the door barefoot in the middle of a snowstorm just to make sure a diaper makes it outside to a trash can.  Pneumonia and Hypothermia are a small price to pay to rid the house of day-old diapers.  The second group are those who store the diapers in the home, usually in one of those magic diaper holders.  These contraptions store several days’ worth of diapers in one compact assault on the sense of smell.   When the lid can no longer be held closed by wedging it in, the bag can be removed in one voluminous diapery mass.   The biggest danger here is having one of the bags break open.  Which is pretty much like saying the biggest danger in being a specialist in bomb disarming is having the bomb go off.  The bonding experience you may have had with your child will be nothing like the bond you will then share with several cans of carpet cleaner and some industrial strength air freshener. 

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