With the Academy Awards coming up, I thought I'd have my own
award ceremony for my family. "Well that's rather pompous and
self-serving," you might say. And you'd be right, but no more pompous and
self-serving than an industry that gives itself awards several times a year
just so it can get together and wear ridiculously expensive clothes and make
incoherent speeches.
In typical Hollywood style,
I'll be starting with the awards no one has heard of.
Visual Effects
The winner for best visual effects is "Planet
Cookies" by Brennen, Caleb, and Emily. Think they don't look like planets?
You try making Venus out of sugar cookie dough and blue food coloring. Want to
point out that Saturn's rings aren't big enough? Tell it to Uranus. And that
last one? Yep, that's Pluto—once a planet, always a planet in my book.
Short Film—Live Action
Something has survived…again. Yes, 2013 marks the 20th
anniversary of Jurassic Park, and Universal Studios has decided to further
sully the great reputation of this film by producing Jurassic Park 4—also known
as "Another desperate attempt to recapture the awesomeness of the first
movie." This short film "I
Like Dinosaurs" is expected to have more plot development than anything
Universal comes up with.
Music
Imagine you’re a tourist in a coastal Michigan town, and you approach this pirate
ship parked on the sidewalk. It's filled with children, and they are singing
pirate songs. Call the police? Search for the parents? No, give it the Oscar
for best music.
Makeup and Hairstyling
It takes special skill and a tremendous amount of patience
to fix a two-year-old's hair. My wife got my daughter to stand still for
upwards of ten minutes to create this hairstyle, which I'm sure has a name.
Centuries ago, someone who could keep a toddler quiet and still this long would
have been burned as a witch. This year, I'm giving the Oscar for makeup and
hairstyling to my wife, Debbie.
Costume Design
Weta Workshop has nothing on this family. It's one thing to
put a bunch of beards and wrinkles on grown men, but it's quite another to turn
three children into a transformer, a spider, and a princess, with enough time
left over to scour the neighborhood for candy.
Actor
The Oscar for best actor is traditionally given to someone
who performed in a movie that no one really liked, while movies that are
actually good, like Blues Brothers and The 300, get completely passed over. Not
this year. The Oscar for best actor goes to Brennen and Caleb, who reprised the
roles of Tom and Huck in one of the greatest scenes in all literature. Except
they used chalk instead of whitewash.
Actress
And finally, the Oscar for best actress goes to Emily. She's
never had a wardrobe malfunction, and there's no silicone or botox in sight,
but her performance in Girl with the Kitty Tattoo is Oscar-worthy.
That's all for this year's Academy Awards. Yes, I left out
such popular categories as best cinematography and best documentary. Such is
the benefit of having one's own award ceremony.
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